lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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