It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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