So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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