who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
