Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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