Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
