I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
