i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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