i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
