i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
