I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
