There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
