It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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