i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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