I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
