i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
