How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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