Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He better not be in your backpack
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
