remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
