I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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