Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
