i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
