i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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