How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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