Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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