Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
