my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
