i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
