i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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