I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
