God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
