Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
