this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
