Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
