I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
