I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
