I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
