My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i wish my penis had a tongue
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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