You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
