Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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