I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
