I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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