I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
