Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
