my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
