I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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