is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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