:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
