the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
