What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
