Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
