my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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